4th XI Fixtures & Results
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Form Guide (last 5 games): W W W W W
7/3/2009
v Civil Service 7th (League) (a)
WON 3 - 2 (Fran 2, Justin)
14/2/2009
v Civil Service 7th (League) (h)
WON 6 - 1 (Fran 4, John, Sham)
-
31/1/2009
v Polytechnic 8th (League) (h)
WON 3 - 1 (Randy 2, Fran PEN)
24/1/2009
v Civil Service 8th (League) (a)
WON 4 - 2 (Fran, Randy 2, Stef)
17/1/2009
v Polytechnic 7th (League) (h)
WON 1 - 0 (Sham)
29/11/2008
v Westminister Citizens 6th (League) (a)
WON 1 - 0 (Fran)
22/11/2008
v HSBC 7th (League) (h)
WON 3 - 2 (John, Stef, Randy)
15/11/2008
v Old Actonians 9th (League) (a)
WON 4 - 3 (OG, Fez, John x 2)
8/11/2008
v Old Finchleians 4th (Old Boys 4th XI Cup) (a)
Match not played
1/11/2008
v Polytechnic 8th (League) (a)
LOST 2 - 3 (Fran x 2)
25/10/2008
v Bank of England 4th (League) (a)
WON 5 - 0 (Fran x 2, Gary, John, Stef)
MATCH REPORT
18/10/2008
v Old Minchendenians (Old Boys Cup R2) (h)
WON 2 - 1 (Sham, Lee)
MATCH REPORT
11/10/2008
v Old Actonians 9th (League) (h)
WON 6 - 1 (Fran x 2, John x 2, Stef x 2)
MATCH REPORT
4/10/2008
v HSBC 7th (League) (a)
WON 2 - 1 (Stef, John PEN)
MATCH REPORT
27/9/2008
v Polytechnic 7th (League) (a)
WON 4 - 1 (Stef, Fran, John x 2)
MATCH REPORT
13/9/2008
v Polytechnic 4th (AFA Minor Cup) (a)
WON 5 - 2 (James, Fez, Fran, John, Stef)
MATCH REPORT
Polytechnic 4th XI 2 v Old Latymerians 4th XI 5
AFA Minor Cup Round 1
It was a warm afternoon and the crowds of Twickenham had assembled. Traffic was a nightmare coming into the ground and when the silver green Peugeot 206 rolled up with Crosby and Silver in, the riot police had to get the water canons out as the rampant crowds surged forward. The venue was Richmond College. The occasion was the monstrous 1st round tie of the Amateur Football Association Minor Cup.
After an epic pre season filled with marine-like training and male bonding that verged on homosexuality the Old Lats team were confident. There were 3 new faces; Gary Hazel, and the mystical Siamese Speight twins Hassan and Westwood, who had only been separated 3 months previously. To go with that, the core of the successful 07/08 team had remained, and former India under 21 captain Shamsham Patel had signed a long term deal after impressing during his 7 minute debut in the final game of the last season. Just prior to kick off, Westwood received the dream call up. The 2nd team was 9 men short and without any fore-warning, he was dragged away to the glitz and glamour of 2nd team football that the 4th team could only have dreams about. After old veteran Pete Schmickweiser was also called up it handed Hassantwo a debut in the starting line up.
The lats lined up as follows. In goal, the sturdy Hussain Bin Jarrakh. At right back, his brother, America hating Hassan One Jarrakh. Faded glamour boy Justin Crosby was paired for the first time with Gary Hatchet Hazel and Hassantwo was occupying left back for the first time of his career. The midfield was built around the illustrious goalkeeper turned DJ turned holding midfielder James ‘Jenkins’ Jenkins. Shamsham Patel and the jet setting Stef (he flew in form Ibiza seconds before kick off) made up the central midfield three. Up front in a new look Old Lats formation stood the youngsters John De Nunes De Portugal and Fez, the small street urchin recently discovered in the ghettos of Southall during one of Pete Schmickweister’s notorious late night curry sprees. Both had small fine strings tied to both hands and feet, and the puppeteer looming above them was the formidable Big Fran Silver.
The whistle blew for kick off, and the crowd roared with delight. Another season was underway.Within seconds the footballing intent of the Old Lats became clear. Pass after pass after pass after pass pinged around the midfield. Prior to kick off James Jenkins had limited himself to one touch only, and boy was he delivering. At times, he even went down to half a touch. The crowd was mesmorized. The forward three were moving well, and young John Filipe De Souza was terrorizing the Polytechnic full back. Fran had settled himself into his role of backing into the big centre half well, and won at least one flick on during a magical 15 minute spell in that first half. The Polytechnic defence responded well by doing nothing. The first twenty minutes went by and the lack of match practice was showing. For all their possession, Lats had created few clear cut chances. That was until Jenkins jinked around 7 defenders and blasted a 40 yard rocket into the top corner. The crowd went wild, the riot police waded in batons flying and numerous people were airlifted to hospital.
Again, old Lats flattered to deceive and didn’t capitalize on their lead. On the 35 minute mark they were punished for their shortfalls. After 5 attempted clearances, the ball eventually dropped to a small, strangely shaped fat person who scuffed it into the net from the edge of the box. Inner squad tension grew. The forwards were mad at the midfield for not passing to them, the midfield were mad at the forwards for making poor runs, the defence were mad at everyone and Huss had tears visibly streaming down his turban. With 5 minutes to the half the Old Lats of old resurfaced. A quick counter attack opened the Poly defence and Fez slotted home from the edge of the box. For the first time this season the newly formed front three combined with speed and skill to send shockwaves through the league. Fran especially.Half time, and two one up, the Old Lats boys treated themselves to a few pats on each other’s backs.
The second half began, and everyone could sense that the next goal was vital. Huss made a great save at his near post and the crowd’s nerves were on edge. A quiet alarming sense of unrest had settled over the stadium and the jitters were creeping into the players. Mostly due to the crack taken at half time, Fran’s heart rate was peaking at 250. Justin ‘truck’ Crosby was moving around the defence like a huge disabled octopus and all of the fine passing play from the first half had evaporated. Someone needed to produce something special to snap the Old Lats out of their slumber. That something special came on the 55minute mark, when after receiving a ball on the edge of the centre circle Fran rolled the lump of a defender who had suicidally decided to man mark him. A quick touch to get the ball out of his feet, and a quick look up, then “BAM!”, Silver, with all the guile of a ninja, the poise of a ballerina and the vision of a robot with telescopic zoom, infra red, night-vision, x-ray cyber eyes deftly floated a sublime lob over the Poly keeper full 85 yards. It was mayhem. The team mobbed him as he desperately tried to celebrate. But the Lats still had a game to win!
Someone in the crowd switched on their ghetto blaster and the theme tune form Rocky spilled out over the football pitch. This was it. It was war. Jenkins was playing as if he had 5 legs and sprayed balls out to either full back as if he’d been playing their for years. Fez terrorized his marker with an array of step overs and tricks. Hassantwo was surging forward at every opportunity form left back. It was carnage. Never had such a low level of football witnessed such an attacking display and for 20 minutes Polytechnic 4th team were individually taken apart, man by man, until all that was left was a rotting carcass of a football team. In the blink of an eye Jenkins threaded the ball through the needle to John’s perfectly timed run into the channel. One touch and he showed why the likes of Inter, Real and Tottenham had been sniffing around all Summer. Goal. By this time the Nike advert team had arrived, and were playing samba music to accompany the football. The crowds were clammering and hustling to get a view of the masterclass on show. Who to mark? Where to run? Who to chase? The Polytechnic midfield and defence had a million questions and no answers. Silver dropped inside, Jenkins popped up on the left. Hazel paraded down the wing. It was liquid football.
At four one there seemed little point. The game was won. Poly were defeated. After a hopeful lofted ball down the line form Silver, the newly English speaking Shamjit Shah chased a lost cause. As it rolled ever closer to the goal line he somehow dug his foot around the ball the send the most exquisite of crosses to the back post, where Stef awaited to nod in the fifth. That was it. For 20 minutes the crowds had been treated to a mind-boggling, death defying, jaw dropping of footballing excellence. So the Old Lats just stopped playing and let Poly get a second goal. Some say it was from a corner. Others think maybe there was a shot involved somewhere. But no one really cares. They were still in a dream world when it went in so no one really remembers. All they remember that day was how the fourth team of Old Lats resurfaced for a new season with a new formation, a new team and a new threat for the Southern Amateur league to deal with. Next up was the first league game of the season, in the new and dizzying heights of the AFA Minor league (South) Lower division 6. What a reward for promotion.
Final Score
Polytechnic 7th XI 2 - Old Latymerians 4th XI 5
Attendance
75, 879
Read more on the 4th team…..
HSBC 7th XI v Old Latymerians 4th XI
SAL Minor League South Division 6
The Lats had to make the journey down to the South-East of London for their second league game of the campaign. After their previous two games had resulted in massive crowd trouble and 14 deaths the government had decided to declare marshal law. Police sharp shooters lined the rooftops and undercover secret agents rummaged through people’s bin bags for no apparent reason. With a tank on every corner and foot soldiers patrolling every back alley Huss and Hass felt like they had arrived back home. This wasn’t Baghdad though; this was Beckenham, the home of the mighty HSBC 7th team.
Last week’s titanic encounter with Polytechnic had left some battle wounds. Sham Patel hadn’t recovered from a leg injury meaning Westley Speight was handed his full debut. In a reshuffle, Fran Silver, who had miraculously recovered from a triple leg break, moved into midfield with West taking his place on the wing. Another new boy, Ruell Jack, was on the bench.
The game started brightly with both teams passing the ball well on a well kept pitch. James Jenkins Jenkins had had a third Jenkins installed onto his name and was now known as James Jenkins Jenkins Jenkins. A new improved name had obviously instilled some confidence into his play; so much so that everything the Lats did went through him. Lee Saunders and his lover Gary hazel continued where they had left off from last week and dominated in defence. Their pre-match ritual of a quick wrestle with each other was clearly helping to develop a good defensive understanding between them. For all of their good possession however, the Lats didn’t test the HSBC keeper enough. Silver and West both headed half chances over and numerous times crosses were fired into dangerous areas only to find no one attacking them.
On the half hour mark, the violence which was ever present in the crowd started to distract the players. John was clearly incensed at seeing his adopted Father Pete Heffer being brutally beaten by riot police and went wild. He savaged the first player he saw, the HSBC centre half, and it all kicked off. Punches were thrown left right and centre. Hoards of blood hungry fans poured onto the pitch. Hass Jarrakh held the HSBC winger aloft and slammed him down through a table that had been set up beside the pitch. His Brother, Huss, climbed on top of the goal and delivered a flying elbow to the twitching corpse of the dead winger. Suddenly, from somewhere, shots rang out; the unmistakeable rat-tat-tat of AK47 fire. The Lats players sprinted to their bags and armed up. Fez had luckily arrived at football in an armed personnel carrier and he and John jumped in, spraying bullets everywhere. Jenkins shuffled around in the bushes with his sniper rifle and took out anything that moved. Before it got too out of hand the ref blew his whistle a few times and order was restored. John, every bit apologetic, got away with a booking and the game was allowed to continue after numerous bodies were removed from the pitch. The half ended nil nil.
A rousing half time pep talk from manager Pete and Captain Jenkins saw the Lats come out with an entirely different attitude. The threat of no more post match hymn sessions had put the fear into the team. Within minutes, John surged down the right wing and pulled the ball back to Stef who tapped in his third goal in three games and send the crowd into hysterics. The Old Lats mobbed each other in the area only to be vehemently absconded by the referee. “Celebrating too enthusiastically” was the crime.
The game was now all Old Lats. Any ‘half attack’ that HSBC launched was quelled with ease by the indominatable Lats back 4. Confidence oozed throughout the team. The passing was crisp and two touch, and chances started to fall thick and fast. A substitution saw Ruell Jack come on for West and the team reshuffled. Silver emerged on the wing and was soon running past his marker with no mercy. After throwing mashed potato at his face, the small full back was temporarily blinded and Silver drifted past him and squared the ball into the box for Jenkins who was unable to turn it into the net. The pressure soon tolled and John was dragged down in the box. He converted his own penalty and made it two nil.
As per usual, Lats decided to stop playing at this point and try to congratulate each other off at every opportunity. During one group love-in inside their own 6 yard box, a scouse person scored a header for HSBC, and the defence was denied a deserved clean sheet. After everyone had had enough of congratulating each other off they held on to win the game two goals to one. A second win in the league capped a solid start to the season. The question mark was over their attitude though. Would the amount of possession that was left unconverted eventually cost the team? Would the sheer scale of violence before every match lead to some sort of UN sanctions against the team? Only time would tell.
Final Score
HSBC 7th XI 1 – Old Latymerians 4th XI 2
Attendance
231,841
Read more on the fours….
Polytechnic 7th XI v Old Latymerians 4th XI
SAL Minor League South Division 6
After a week’s international break the Old Lats 4th team returned to action away at Polytechnic 7s. In their previous game, Lats had beaten Poly’s 4th team so confidence was high. Word had clearly spread through the Poly ranks and upon entering the changing rooms the Lats stars were greeted with a stench of fear and trepidation. Clearly the Poly boys had a few pre-game nerves.
Lats had one casualty from the international break. Justin Crosby had been sidelined with a dislocated scalp, so Hungry Horse barman of the year Lee Saunders stepped into take his place at centre half. At the ground, riots had already begun a few hours before kick off. Armed police were scattered about the place and fire crews battled with the numerous fires which had been started when Silver pulled into the stadium car park. On safety grounds, the SAS recommended that the game be moved to the enclosed pitch across the road. Not a problem; the Old Lats boys got changed and ran across to line up for their national anthem and ritual team hugs.
With only one enforced change, the line up remained virtually the same as the previous game. Once again they lined up in the new look 4-3-3 formation; brimming with attacking intent. Fresh from a summer in Hollywood, Scott Bullet took his place on the bench with new-boy Westlife Speight.
The whistle blew for kick off and the 50,000 crowd surged into the fences surrounding the pitch. Overhead helicopters hovered whilst paramedics frantically resuscitated the strong female contingent in the crowd who were literally screaming themselves into unconsciousness. The game started cagily, with neither team doing much to threaten their opponent’s goal. At right back, Hassan Habib was clearly pumped. Winning several strong tackles and finding his first touch early on, his confidence brimmed.
After a scrappy first ten minutes, Estoban Jenkins started to pick up the tempo. Sham Singh and Stef were finding pockets of space in the midfield and the Poly back four weren’t looking comfortable with the pacey front three. And then it happened. As if the God of football had flicked a switch, the Lats drifted into a hypnotic state and the ball started moving around the pitch with zip and accuracy. Poly didn’t have an answer. Tackles started flying in, yet still the Old Lats kept the ball moving from left to right, and back again. The deadlock was broken when Stef, who recently underwent stubble growth surgery, danced his way past two challenges and lobbed the keeper who was a whole 2 yards off his line. One nil, and the stark reality of what was coming clearly started to sink into some of the Poly line up. The Poly keeper’s pyjama bottom clad legs started to wobble. He knew. The crowd attempted to rip up the fencing. They knew. Old Lats started to pat each other at every opportunity. They knew too. They knew it would only be a matter of time before more goals were produced.
The second goal wasn’t far off. Young Israeli freedom fighter Fez Buq Huq Jamid picked the ball up deep in his own half and spotted the diagonal run of Old Lats Messiah Franaldo Silver. As the Poly back line desperately tried to spring an offside trap the ball was released and Silver was sent clear. As the keeper rushed off his line in the wrong direction, it soon became clear that Silver wouldn’t be able to miss. The keeper had unwittingly narrowed every angle possible that Silver could’ve used to miss, leaving him only one option; the roll it into an empty net. The crowd went beserk. From nowhere animals ran onto the pitch and mobbed the Old Lats team. There were monkeys and gorillas everywhere, whilst the newly formed centre back pairing of Saunders and Hazel rolled around on the floor hugging each other. The madness of two weeks previous had returned. The Jakkararakh Brothers were silently crying tears of pure unbridled joy one minute and hysterically laughing the next.
The referee restored order and the game restarted. Saunders found his passing ability and started spraying balls into the channel for the young Portugese prodigy John to chase. It was not long before he latched onto a deftly flighted pass and lobbed the keeper to make it 3 to nil. A few minutes later and a carbon copy goal only with Hazel assisting made it four. In a bustling 15 minute spell the game had been killed. Not even the referee could get the dejected Poly team back into it. After a ball winning sliding tackle resulted in a booking for Hass the second, the Poly team enjoyed their only period of pressure of the first half, producing at least 3 crosses in the space of ten minutes. Sensational. Half time came, and the teams jogged into the changing rooms with the score 4 to nil.
During the half time team talk Sham picked up a leg injury and had to be replaced. Westwood Speight came on at right wing, meaning Silver shuffled inside to help in the centre. The second half was a drab affair. The Lats had lost their edge. Poly started using the ball better, especially with the introduction of an extra man in the centre. Ten minutes in, and a horrific triple leg break forced Silver to substitute off, to be replaced by Holywood glamour boy Scot Bullet. Another formation change slotted Hasstwo into the centre of midfield, and Scot into his favoured left back role.
In the second half a relationship started to develop. At every opportunity young John Figoaldo spoke to the referee sensually. It wasn’t long before they were flirting. The referee however made his move too early and John slapped his hand away. Unable to take rejection, the ref brandished his red card, and John was sent to an early bath. Another formation re-jig allowed the Poly team to take more control and their extra man showed. A bit of pressure was put on the Lats defence and they soon conceded. A corner was swung in, and Hasstwo full of energy and adrenaline leaped 12 feet into the air to bullet header the ball off the back of his head past a stranded Hussinder in goal. Dejected, hasstwo dropped to his knees and wept whilst the rest of the team held a candlelight vigil for another clean sheet’s death.
The game eneded 4 – 1. A few other things happened, but who cares? In summary, the Lats won it during their mammoth twenty minute spell of ultra football.
Final Score
Polytechnic 7th XI 1, Old Latymerians 4th XI 4
Attendance
120,342
Read more on the fours…..
Old Latymerians 4th XI v Old Actonians 9th XI
SAL Minor League South Division 6
Whitton was on red alert. The police had enforced a 2pm curfew for the whole of the weekend. Anyone seen on the streets was shot dead on the spot, no questions asked. The only people allowed to travel were the Old Latymerian’s 4th team, their opponents, and the 200,000 odd people lucky enough to get a ticket for the first home game of the season. Such sanctions were neccessary. In the previous 3 games, 127 people and had been killed, and a further 2,381 had suffered injuries. Since the season had started, war was up by 45% and peace was down by 543%. It was worth it though.
The World Leaders had called a summit meeting midweek to discuss the issues surrounding the Old Lats effect on World Peace. Some felt that allowing the 4th team to play incited violence and trouble on a world scale, while others felt that people deserved to see the mysterious team in action, even if it cost them their life. In the end, it was decided to allow the boys to play on, but with a UN agency set up to monitor the hysteria that had started to develop within the crowds at every match. For now, it was game on.
The home ground in Whitton had never seen such a police presence. Every unit, from homicide to traffic, had been called in to provide man power. The SAS were there, but undetectable, lurking in the bushes. Special agents from the FBI had been flown in to offer tactical assistance and there were even rumours that Taliban forces had been hired to add some muscle and beards to the security measures, as well as keep the Anglo-Afghan relationships good for the sake of the Jarrakh Brothers. When Silver and Crosby arrived at the ground it was carnage. Mobs of frenzied fans engulfed the car as they pulled in to the car park. Female fans were undressing and throwing themselves at the feet of the two bewildered players. It didn’t faze them though. They were model footballers. That’s why they played in the Amateur Football Association Minor League South Division 6.
The opponents today would be Old Actonians 9th team, who had received good reports from their previous 2 league outings despite losing both. The Lats named an unchanged team from the previous week, but welcomed Crosby back to take his place on the bench. The customary pre match game of hide and seek didn’t have quite the same feel to it as previous weeks. A few of the team had been out the previous night for a bonding session and it seemed to have had a negative effect. It had certainly affected Hasstwo as he had to sell his shoes just to be able to afford the match fees after spending all of his money on liquor. The game kicked off with The Lats eager to get a third league win under their belts.
After 20 minutes or so, the Lats still hadn’t found their rhythm. Their passing was off and the work rate was non existent. It just wasn’t clicking like previous weeks. The first action came when Hassone laid the ball back to his Brother in goal who went to clear it up field. The all hit a divot and bobbled over his swinging leg. Huss turned on his heels and sprinted after the goal bound back pass and managed to scoop it out of the goal and out for a corner. How he managed to do so when it was 5 yards inside the goal no one knew, especially the stand in ref, Old Lats manager Peter Hefferhoff, who awarded a corner, much to the dismay of the Actonian players.
Hefferhoff made for a good referee. He took no back chat, and was sure with every decision. Mid way through the first half, and fed up with having his decisions constantly questioned, he well and truly stamped his authority on the game. In a truly unprecedented refereeing tactic, Hefferhoff held a full blown tantrum and threw his whistle to the ground, threatening to go home and take his football with him if people didn’t start behaving themselves. The teacher in him was clearly coming out. It worked, and after giving everyone a quick spanking, he was happy for the game to continue.
In a half devoid of teamwork, passing, work-rate, communication and movement it was surely going to take something special to break the deadlock. That something special came in the 37th minute when West Speight whipped a dangerous ball into Silver in the box. After bringing the ball out of the air with one touch, and then going past 12 players with his second, he flicked the ball up and sensationally volleyed the ball into the top corner with his eyes shut whilst rapping the theme tune to Fresh Prince of Bel Air. It was incredible. The crowd who had grown lifeless roared into life and invaded the pitch. In a matter of seconds Hefferhoff was in the middle of the riot, using his spanking glove as a deterrent to shoo people back. It seemed to work, and literally within seconds, order was restored. About 4 minutes later, someone on the other team, I think his name was Vernon, scored a goal to make it one all.
James Jenkins Jenkins Jenkins tore into the team at half time. He wasn’t happy with the level of performance and he wanted it rectified. His girlfriend Helen looking on from the VIP bench area was clearly thrilled at the show of power and gently. Lee was clearly thrilled too, and joslted violently with all of his team mates. The Lats came out in the second half knowing that all pre and post match domino games were to be banned if they didn’t buck up their ideas.
After ten minutes, a reshuffle was needed and Crosby replaced West. This moved Silver up top and allowed Crosby to sit in the midfield holding role. The Actonian defence was starting to get stretched and simple channel balls over the top were creating chances. John went through twice and missed, much to the embarrassment of his watching family. On the 60minute mark a corner was whipped in and Silver on the back post volleyed in back across goal for Stef Kitson to bundle the ball in and score his 4th goal in consecutive games. Quite an achievement for the little man after such a traumatic disease filled summer. A few minutes later Fez crossed the ball for John who took it down brilliantly and slotted the ball into the bottom corner. Suddenly it was three one, and the goals didn’t look like stopping there. Attack after attack was mounted and more often than not it was the final pass that was lacking. In one such attack, Crosby picked out John in the box with a clever pass and the young Portugese striker turned his man fantastically and finished with style. The fifth goal was created by John himself. After rampaging down the right wing he pulled it back for Silver to easily tap the ball in. They weren’t content with five however, and still more chances were being created. Silver was denied his hat trick by the bar after curling a lovely effort from the edge of the box. Fez went close from long range and the Actonians keeper was on his game blocking several cut backs from the Old Lats attack. The sixth and final goal came when Fez played Kitson through delightfully. Kitson powered to the edge of the box and finished beautifully, much to the delight of Jarrakh at right back who screamed with pleasure.
The game finished six goals to one but should’ve been a whole lot more. Overall, no one could be happy with their performance. The teamwork had gone, and against a better opponent, the Old Lats winning run would have surely come to an end. The crowd had gone home at half time so there were no deaths this week, much to the delight of the UN.
Final Score
Old Latymerians 4th XI 6 – Old Actonians 9th XI 1
Attendance
243,870 (after half time – 3)
Read more on the fours…
Bank of England 4th XI 0 v Old Latymerians 4th XI 5
SAL Minor League South Division 6
The 4th team traveled to Roehampton to play league leaders bank of England with a full squad to choose from. Only Ruell missed out due to the groin injury picked up the previous week. Fez took his place on the bench after gary had impressed on the wing the previous week. Justin slotted in at centre half, and the team welcomed back usual keeper Huss. For once there were no riots, no deaths and no madness. Just pure and exquisite football.
The Lats started off well. The forward three of Fran, John and Gary were moving well and it was clear that the BOE defence was going to have trouble picking them up. The first chance fell to John when he was played through by Sham. After closing in on the goal he seemed to run out of space and the chance was lost as the ball went out. Fran and Gary were finding a lot of success getting to the by line, and in the first 10 minutes two cut backs weren’t rewarded with the goal they deserved. The BOE held their own and looked dangerous on the break, with their forward using the left wing as an outlet well. Several times lee and Justin did well in defence to provide blocks to shots. Huss was also doing well sweeping up behind the back four, so although the BOE attack looked dangerous, the Lats always looked in control at the back.
The break through should have come when good work down the left wing from Fran saw him bearing down on goal. The angle was against him so he cut the ball back for Sham who seemingly couldn’t miss. But from 2 yards out he somehow got the ball stuck underneath his feet somewhat and scuffed it over. A few minutes later a link up between Gary and Stef down the right saw Stef cutting the ball back to Fran who tapped it in. The ref however decided that he was somehow offside despite having the ball cut back to him. The Lats didn’t get frustrated, as they have done in previous weeks, and kept up a good mix of short passing and direct play and they got their reward 8 minutes before half time. Fran was needlessly fouled in the corner, and from a tremendous delivery into the 6 yard box from James, he glanced a flicked header into the top corner. The half ended one nil.
Both teams came out for the second half knowing the next goal was all important. The BOE changed their keeper at half time, and this change was spotted by the Lats. Shoot on sight was the command! Fez came on for Sham which meant Justin moved into midfield and Gary slotted back into centre half. Fez joined the front three. Within minutes Justin’s impact in the midfield was felt when he slotted John through with a wonderfully weighted through ball and after the keeper saved well Fran was on hand to follow up and tap it into an empty net. At two nil, confidence was flowing and the Lats started to play their best football of the game. The passing was slick, the work rate was tremendous and the movement up front was clearly troubling the BOE defence as they reverted to some rougher tactics which should’ve resulted in a penalty after Fran was bundled over in the box.
The pressure was relentless and the Lats had a third after a wickedly dipping corner from Fez caught the BOE keeper off guard. He flapped at the cross only to palm the ball to Gary who volleyed home form three yards for his first of the season.
The fourth came when a speculative shot from Stef was fumbled by the BOE keeper and he dropped it into his own net. At four nil, James came off to be replaced by West, and the ever fluid formation of the Lats changed again to let Fran sit in midfield and west attack form the wing. Justin, who was a force in midfield, picked up a losse ball and ran at the BOE defence. Seeing John peel off he slotted the ball through perfectly and John finished with ease. Five nil! The Lats could hardly believe it, but it was more than fair considering how well they were playing. The BOE, pride clearly hurting, came back at the Lats and had a period of concerted pressure on the 80 minute mark which was thwarted well. The Lat shed out the resurgence and kept their first and well deserved clean sheet of the season. Justin was named man of the match and game finished five nil. Next week sees the Lats travel to last season’s fellow promotees Polytechnic 8s, who beat them both home and away. It will be a tough test, and one that will be a good gauge of progress since last year.
Final Score
Bank of England 4th XI 0 - Old Latymerians 4th XI 5
Attendance
3
Read more on the 4th team…..
Old Latymerians 4th XI 2 v Old Minchendenians 3rd XI 1
Old Boys Minor Cup Round 2
Written by guest writer James Jenkins
Due to a shortage of players in the club, the Old Lats 4th team were moved up in to the astronomical and dizzying heights of Southern Amatuer League 3rd team football. Their opposition were the mighty Old Minchendenians 3rd team. How would they handle this step up? Could they perform on the biggest stage? Did anyone really care?
It was a mixed line up with the Old Lats 4th team, slash 3rd team were missing influential goalkeeper Saddam Hussain Don’t Start On My Brother Jarrakh. In addition Go West Speight was also ruled out as, whilst taping reams of electricians tape around his socks in the morning, he accidently taped around the leg of his bed post, taping himself to the frame. Due to the seventeen rolls of heavy duty electrician’s tape that Go West used it took six hours for the three crews of fire-fighters, armed with heavy cutting machinery normally reserved for cutting people out of car wreckages, to free him.
To make matters worse, Ruel Crack-a-Jack-Jack, drafted in at left back and expected to play the full 90 minutes, was stretchered off in the warm up due to a ‘head-butt’ by Gary Hazel. This was much to the dismay of travelling WAG Mandi who had travelled especially to see the big man play.
To replace Saddam Hussein, ‘Randy’ Andy Peters was placed in the sticks. In order to prevent any strain on Gary and Lee’s relationship, Gary was hauled out of defence where he was likely to become ‘intimate’ with Randy Andy and was positioned as far up the field as we could get him. He was joined up front by Fran I Have A Very, Very, Very, Very Weak Immune System Silver.
The defensive line up saw the purple haze gangster twins Hassan and Hassan at full back. The assured partnership of Truck Crosby, who arrived in plenty of time to reverse himself in to the centre back position prior to kick off, where he remained for the entire duration of the game, and Lee Saunders was restored.
In midfield Lats had Shamjitinder Gurdwara Corner Shop Patel, Stefan Kitson, who had successfully recovered from his mid-week growing pains and managed to move his acne appointment with the doctor, and captain, master class and inspirational linchpin of the side James Alonso Jenkins.
Both John Jao Gobbledygook and Israeli arms dealer Fez were late and did not make kick off. They were seen ten minutes prior to kick off at the back of Hounslow Bus Station, both on their hands and knees, scoffing left over pizza crusts from the Pizza Hut buffet.
So the game kicked off with nine and a half men considering Silver’s illness and Lat’s were strong moving the ball around well. The back four were solid, even up against the Russian ex-Spurs striker Pavlychenko who was the sole focus of the visitors attack. Both Hass’s bombed forward and provided good width. Saunders marshalled the back four excellently, he even managed to undertake and complete his HGV licence prior to kick off which enabled him to control Truck Crosby with consummate ease.
Then, out of nowhere, something strange happened. The opposition scored and the Lat’s were down 1-0. I can’t even remember who scored or how. I think it was the Russian chap. I think he kicked the ball. Or something. Oh well.
Anyway half time came with score unchanged and a rousing half time team talk and an inspirational tactical change from James Fabio Capello Jenkins saw John, complete with Pizza still evident on his lips, was joined up front by Gary Hazel and Fez.
Second half things livened up and the Lats continued to move the ball around well with the midfield trio bombing on at every occasion. Gary Hazel played with a renewed vigour constantly beating his man and delivering ball after ball in to the box. After continuous pressure from the Lat’s the inevitable goal came, Purple Haze Two (Speight), collected a defensive header following a corner and smashed the ball in to the box. What happened next was a miracle. Sham Patel, still lingering near the goal, morphed into Hindu god Shiva, slowly developing arms and arms and more arms until he had eight of them. With these eight arms he started picking up all of the opposition one by one, clearing a path for the ball to arrive directly at his bootless bare feet where he smashed it in to the top corner before renouncing Hinduism forever.
With twenty minutes left, the Lats upped the pressure before another superb delivery from Fez at a corner saw the ball fall to the feet of the unmarked Salmon Saunders who rifled a fantastic left footed finish across the keeper. As a celebration Lee ran to the crowd and embraced with Shaun McLaren, Truck Crosby went into 2nd gear and edged forward slowly, Fran vomited, James added a fourth Jenkins to his name by deed poll. It was pandemonium.
Nothing much else happened. The game finished 2-1 and was the 5th straight win for the Lats who have a top of the table clash with Bank of England next week. The MOM was Lee Saunders.
Final Score
Old Latymerians 4th (3rd) XI 2 - Old Minchendenians 3rd XI 1
Attendance
Circa 1m.
Read more about the fours…..